Well, there’s a simple way to put it, Mr. Stein.
I sit here mulling over material and design and structure and all those words that make the skin crawl on a girl stepping out on a limb so God can use her to love on people. All of it rumbling around in my head, and I see a post in my email and a friend I’ve never met clues me in on something that has probably been stifling me in ways I don’t think I want to face.
Her message bounces me back to a lesson we had in Married Life last semester about how our biggest fear is directly tied to our greatest need.
So my fears are tied to both my giftings and my needs. That’s a fine kettle of fish.
No wonder I can’t decide what I want. The moment I do, I’m whopped with a big fat fear to beat it into submission and set me to floating in safe waters once more. Which makes me wonder: Is this no-treacherous-rocks-or-waterfalls safe, or Dead Sea safe?
I’m not sure safe is gonna fly.
So I keep brainstorming and dreaming and asking God for clarity and a greater measure of creativity and I keep beating back the fear and pushing forward with this whatever-it-is that He is birthing for lisaeasterling.com.
I can’t shake the notion that it’s going to be great. Not because of Lisa Easterling, but because of her amazing God and all His grace that covers up her failings and makes beautiful the ashes she holds out.
But one thing I’ve felt deep down in the midst of all this preparation is that all my striving won’t make it happen. I think I’m finally getting that. It won’t be any sage wisdom on my part that comes through this endeavor and changes lives. It will be all His work flowing through the feeble efforts of just some ordinary woman at a little wooden desk in a cottage in Florida who loves Him and loves His people and wants to be a part of this beautiful thing He’s doing.
I’m glad to just be a part of it all.
So what do I want? I want to be available. I want to be pliable. I want to be willing.
I guess when it comes down to it, I just want to be obedient. Whatever that means, however it plays out.
I obviously don’t want money. It makes me grin to even think about ever making money doing what I love or what I’m good at doing, because I can never bring myself to ask for any. For some reason I’ve just never been good at making that connection. Or maybe I’ve just never been good at asking.
Maybe I just want what God wants. And maybe that means it’s going to take some time for me to find out what that is. Maybe signing on for this is going to be about pouring myself full into something I can’t envision but trust that He can.